Hospitality: Surrendering Your Home to God

I have a very distinct memory of Parmela Riley inviting me over for dinner years ago. We were both somewhat newly married, and the Rileys had just had their first kid. We gathered around the very small kitchen table in their apartment with their baby playing contentedly on the floor nearby.  We had a great evening. I still remember the blessed feeling of realizing someone had opened their door to me simply because they wanted to know me better. That was the start of years of experiencing Parmela’s open door and warm heart. It continued through their home renovations, our growing families, and seasons of intense work schedules. However, through all those seasons, there has always been a sense of peace. Walking into the Rileys home is like taking a deep breath and letting the world fall off your shoulders for a brief period of time. Their kids are likely bouncing at the door, excited for you to come in, and Parmela and Dan won’t be far behind, offering a hearty greeting of welcome. Parmela rarely lacks a big smile, and she is quick to laugh and make you feel at ease. She may even ask if you’d mind grabbing a knife to help finish off the dinner prep with no sense of qualm about a perfect presentation. The usual chatter of women gathered in the kitchen begins, and the night carries on with joy, laughter, good fellowship, and Godly encouragement! Enjoy comments and advice from her below on how to position your heart and your home to be a gift to those who enter.

What are some different circumstances you have hosted through?

Aside from newborn kids, small spaces, two home renovations, and varying difficulties with my husband’s and my work schedules, I remember a specific instance in our first apartment shortly after we’d had our first born. We had the smallest “dining room” – if you want to even call it that. We hosted a dinner for an older couple that were dear to us. I remember being a little bit embarrassed about our space because the couple we were hosting owned a huge home in town and had traveled back and forth from Italy often, enjoying the delicious food there. I was learning to cook myself, only having graduated from college less than a year before. Anyway, they came, and it was a wonderful evening full of laughter, deep conversations around the dinner table, and they gave us rich advice about life.  There was of course the occasional bumping into each other in the tight space, but we’d laugh it off and continue with our good time. That dinner blew all my embarrassing comparison out the window when I discovered that the joy of hosting isn’t to compare homes, food, conversation, etc.; The joy is in the authentic building of relationships. These dear friends didn’t accept our dinner invitation so they could come and judge our home, compare our foods to the ones they’ve eaten across the world, or lets be honest, to learn from our limited life experience and seek advice from us. These friends came to our home to be with us. They took time out of their own busy schedules to spend time with us, answer some questions and tell stories, and it was a joyful time indeed. How beautiful is that?

What are some overarching Christian principles/perspectives all of us should have when it comes to hospitality? 

I think the heart behind hospitality is “to give” and not expect something in return. Hosting is the overflow of a generous and loving heart. I believe Christ calls us all to a life of hospitality in some capacity, even if it is small. In Romans, Paul is writing a letter to the church in Rome which is a mixed body of Gentile and Jewish believers. In a church where there was likely relational tensions, we see Paul give these instructions in chapter 12:9, “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” He keeps going and in verse 13 writes, “Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality”. It is our job as followers of Christ to seek to show hospitality. But who do we extend that invitation to? I believe it is to fellow believers in need, to non-believers, to friends, to enemies, to everyone. Hospitality must be spirit led because obviously you can’t host every single person you meet. I have found that in praying about it, the Holy Spirit will place names, faces, and people on your heart and mind. When you invite someone into your home, it is an intimate expression of acceptance. We are practicing Jesus’s own compassion for others, and we are honoring God when we are obedient to that leading.

Where do you feel like culture has negatively influenced our perspective on hospitality?

There is a stigma that everything needs to have fallen into place perfectly before we can begin to entertain the notion of opening our home to anyone. When I talk to fellow women about hosting, I usually hear these things on repeat: “my house isn’t big enough.”, “I could never get my house clean enough to host someone.”, “It’s always chaotic in our home with the kiddos, I can’t even wrap my mind around bringing someone into that chaos.”, “I can’t cook to save my life.”, “I’m not the hosting type.”. For some reason, our culture has defined “successful hosting” to look like a Vogue party straight out of page 3 with a table laden with delicious food, decorations that were clearly not DIY, huge balloon arches for photo taking, and the host looking picturesque in a crisp white dress, not a hair out of place, etc. Let me be the first to tell you: hospitality does NOT need to look like this. If you think it needs to fit that image before you can get out there and do it, please erase that notion from your mind. If creating that image brings you life and you enjoy it, then more power to you! I love that for you. However, it's probably safe to say that most people started feeling anxious just reading that. The heart behind that picture is usually “I must entertain my guests and give them something to talk about after they’ve left.” Like I mentioned above, the heart behind hospitality is to extend the love of Christ to people. That could look like having dinner with a couple around your tiny dining table with burnt chicken but laughing at stories being shared and maybe some tears over heartfelt prayers and encouragement going around. Hospitality will usually leave you feeling fulfilled in your mission that Christ has called you to in being the hands and feet of Christ by helping those in need and providing a safe place for relationships to be built.

There are lots of reasons to not open your home: babies, a dirty home, tight budget, small space, busy schedule, not a huge cook, etc. On a practical level, what would be your encouragement to someone who is struggling to get past these hang ups?

A piece of advice I would give is to start where you’re at. There’s a lot of tips and ideas out there on hospitality (ex: Sally Clarkson has some incredible books and podcasts about this) but it can sometimes be overwhelming. Just start where you’re at and go into it with the expectation that even though it may be a little bit stressful the first time, the reward is very great on the other side of it. Also, just like with anything in life, the more you do something, the more you find a rhythm for it, and it becomes easier and easier. Find something that you naturally enjoy and are good at or would like to get better at! I love baking new things and when I have people over, it becomes a fun taste testing event. No matter what, the big takeaway is to let go of expectations and to start where you are. I promise that it will be well worth it.

What are some lessons or areas of growth you have experienced through hospitality?

I have grown so much since I’ve started to be more intentional about hospitality. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to let go of my own expectations when it comes to hosting and walk into it open handed in letting God do what He wants to do through it. For example, I used to stress about conversation starters, topics, the kids needing to be super well behaved, things had to go a certain way for it to “set the tone” for a successful gathering However, over time, I realized that God’s expectation will almost always look different than mine. Sometimes it’s the natural flow of conversation that leads to open doors in encouraging one another and vulnerability. Sometimes silence is okay. Let it grow into comfortable “togetherness”. Sometimes things are exposed in my children’s lack of good behavior with others and it becomes a great moment after our friends leave to have a growing conversation with our kids. Sometimes it’s my friends needing  a safe place to vent and have someone to listen. Sometimes it’s a mom whose spouse is traveling and her not having to cook and the freedom to let her kids run around and blow off some steam, spoke 1000 times more than if we had sat around the coffee table and had tea with crumpets with her yelling at her kids to behave. The point is that I try to give it to God every time I open up my home for hosting. No matter how big or small the gathering is or who is gathering, I take a moment to pray and give the time together to God and ask the Holy Spirit to lead the conversation. I always end each prayer that whoever comes into our home would leave feeling refreshed and encouraged, and that they would feel the peace of God and the unconditional love that He offers them.

In what ways has being hospitable blessed you the most? 

There are so many ways that being hospitable has blessed me. It has been a beautiful teaching moment for our kids by showing them the importance of community and opening up your home to friends and acquaintances. How can we love and be loved by people well if we are afraid to open up the most vulnerable parts of ourselves and the intimacy of our home? We don’t share vulnerability with everyone, there’s wisdom in who you share things with but the home is one of the safest places to do that and people love that authenticity. It is comforting when you sit with a friend and go through the struggles of mothering with one another and at the end, give it to God together. Hospitality has also played a huge role in my cooking, baking, and creativity outlet. I probably wouldn't have discovered this about myself if it weren’t for hosting and my exploration in discovering how I can make simple yet delicious food to serve my guests. I have also loved creating atmospheres of fun where my guests come in and see a theme that just makes them smile. Whether simple or a little more extravagant, it has been fun to have that creative outlet. Most importantly, it has taught me the beauty of friendship, how to show compassion for others, how to honor those around me, and how to give up my own need to control and trust God in this part of my life.

As I (Hannah) am someone with the strengths of getting things done, organizing details, and loving pretty presentations, I’ve seen those strengths quickly morph into panic-stress in the moments before guests arrive.  Frustration over seemingly minute details grows, and the presentation becomes more important than the people. Parmela is the counterbalancing friendship that I need. Over the years, I have learned much from the example of friends like Parmela who don’t often “sweat the small stuff” and have ordered their priorities to be centered around people more than presentation. Their go-with-the-flow attitude, I’ve realized, is as important as knowing how to be ordered and organized. A successful and peaceful household needs some organizational skills and a flexible attitude. People with the strength of going with the flow and not sweating the small things are shining lights to learn from. They often exemplify Christ as they can be fiercely undeterred in preventing their to-do lists from interfering with their relationships. It is a beautiful example to follow and a precious gift to receive.

I would argue that Christ wants all of us to be givers of this kind of hospitality. I’m learning to ask myself if the heart behind my hospitality is motivated by a desire to open my home, welcome people in, and create a space where people are allowed to share and be encouraged. When I struggle to open my home, I need to consider whether my expectations should be lowered or my focus should be changed to be less about the presentation given and more about the people walking through your door. 

For example, you don’t cook? So what. I have yet to meet a young family that would turn their nose up at pizza or a taco bar with an evening that offers a break from the routine of making dinner and caring for kids. Do your kids lack perfect behavior? Great. Theirs probably do too. Is your home less than Pinterest perfect with projects ongoing? Welcome to the world of average homeowners. Consider the humility of letting people know you don’t have it all together. If there is anything I have learned from Parmela, it is to start small.  When your guests come, don’t just open your door. Open your heart to be genuinely concerned for the people walking through that door. The gift you give is immeasurable. 

Further Hospitality Resources: 

Sally Clarkson: Recommended by Hannah and Parmela, Sally's Instagram, podcast “At Home with Sally”, Her book “The Life Giving Table” are all great resources.

Disciplher Blog Post: Recommended by Hannah, this blog post is a great quick dive into a deeper theological look into the hospitality subject.

Fearless Mom Podcast: This podcast by Julie Richard was highly recommended by Parmela. Julie's podcasts focuses on women gaining confidence in their roles as mothers. She encourages that out of that confidence there should be an overflow of giving to others. She wants women to do more than just "survive" and to begin to focus on what is most important.

Practical Cooking Tips: Recommended by Hannah, Soup Night Slapdashery: Cooking for Big Crowds Made Simple by Rebekah Merkle is filled with easy recipes that aren’t just cream of mushroom soups and crushed fritos. It also has a slew of practical tips when it comes to serving, preparing, grocery shopping, and budgeting.

Get to Know Parmela

Hi I am Parmela, and I am married to my college sweetheart, Daniel, and together have 3 amazing children: Judah-5, Eliana-4, Lilah-1. We live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I am a Registered Nurse that originally worked in the Trauma Emergency Center of Saint Francis Hospital and then moved to the Infusion Center after having Judah for a slower work pace. When we had Lilah last year, Dan and I transitioned me into being a full stay at home mom to focus on the kiddos and to start the process of transforming the fixer upper house we bought a year ago into a space where we can all comfortably call home. If someone asked me what relaxes me, I've discovered over the years that the answer to that is “creating things”. I guess you could say that I’m probably a little more right brained than left but I love sifting through content, pulling things out, and making it my own. This boils down to a myriad of things like baking/cooking, woodworking, sewing, gardening, yardwork, painting, crafts, etc. Out of all of these, I especially love making furniture, acrylic painting on a canvas, and gardening. These things bring me joy and are where I feel closest to Jesus. Another hobby of mine is all things outdoors. Running is something that gets me out pretty consistently and relaxes my mind and helps me move my body. I have completed a couple of half and a full marathon. I love hiking, mountain biking, swimming, sports, backpacking, you name it! I love moving my body and can get pretty competitive if the need arises. My dreams for the future usually center around a long lasting relationship with my kids and, of course, the love of my life and doing life together as we get older. Pertaining to my career in nursing, I would love to one day do overseas ministry in third world countries by helping in clinicals or doing some sort of disaster response in other countries. I grew up a missionary kid and caught the travel bug many, many years ago. My dream is to continue to travel and show my kids other cultures but especially to help those in need with what I can offer: my medical knowledge. My prayer is to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people with the gifts that he has given me-wherever I am.