Grief and Joy in New Motherhood

I wrote this nearly five years ago as a new mom. It’s a rather strange feeling going back and reading these words. Five years have come and gone in the blink of an eye, and a couple more little sugars have joined our brood since this was written in the throes of adjusting to my first. Much has matured in me since I penned these words. However, I felt it an important post to publish because the feelings expressed below, I have found, are common to many. The adjustment to becoming a new mom quite literally puts you in a new, unfamiliar dimension. 

When I was pregnant, people kept telling me, “Enjoy this time. Your life will never be the same again.” 

They were right, you know. In an instant my world changed, and life changed me. My world and myself will never be the same again. It really is instantaneous. You anticipate the change for months, prepare for the change, and then in one single moment, one final push of exertion and effort, your world shifts. 

It is an unforgettable moment really. The struggle and pain of a day and a half of trying to bring new life into the world, and in one moment it comes to a rush of satisfying joy and relief… a great accomplishment, a great gift, a life-changing moment. 

I’ll never forget it. The feeling of life being pulled from my body into the world, the rush of emotions and joy, the cries of joy from my husband and mom, then to hear that baby’s cry, see that beating chest, feel those little hands, touch that damp face against my chest. It’s a life changing miracle that I will relive as long as I live. 

The thing about being pregnant is you view the whole thing as temporary. Discomfort and bodily changes are all endured under the reality that this won’t last forever.  Soon it will be over and everything will return to normal. But that is the strange thing about it, and the hard thing. Although temporary, life post-pregnancy never goes back to normal. Nine months of pregnancy changes you. The arrival of your child in an instant resets your life, removes you from pregnancy, but doesn’t return you anywhere close to your old normal. That joyous instant instead catapults you into a new found world in space where, for the first few weeks, all you can keep saying is, “I feel different. I am not the same.” It’s a hard reality to wrestle with, realizing motherhood altered your life instantaneously, and left you, although the same person, very much different from the day you stepped foot into the hospital to birth your child. It took me a few weeks to realize that in many ways, I was grieving. 

Although motherhood filled my heart with more happiness and love than I could put words to, there were these moments where I would lay my baby down, close the nursery door, walk away, and wonder what to do with myself. I only had an hour at most. 

Should I rush to go dirty myself with yard work that needed to be done yet still have time to shower before my next feeding? 

Should I make the bed or lay myself down in it to allow for what felt like a much needed nap despite what I needed to get done? 

Should I sit and read my Bible and try to give room for God to speak? Or was my mind too muddled and spinning to even be able to sit and focus at His feet? 

Should I do my hair and makeup and get dressed or did I need to do laundry again to make available the few pairs of pants and shirts that comfortably fit?

I’d stand there at that nursery door and pause.  The questions froze me in time long enough to feel like no option was a good option for my brief hour or two of time. I’d find myself usually wandering to the bathroom mirror, gazing in, seeing very much the same girl, but asking myself, “Am I different? What’s changed?” 

There was the physical evidence of the change, for sure. My abs and smooth skin were more wrinkled and my muscles still couldn’t hold back that pooch. There were deep lines and scars around my belly, hips, and inner thighs. My bra size had drastically changed with my widening rib cage. My 00 jeans would doubtfully ever fit my hips again. Many of my shoes still felt scrunched around the toes. My waist held some extra fat. My body had changed. My slender frame, skinny waist, and small feet had all grown to accommodate and nourish a new life.  No, I wasn’t the same. 

But it wasn’t just the physical change. Something deeper was different in me. My life had shifted to be about giving and living for someone else. My everyday living, thinking, and being was no longer just about what my husband or I wanted but had stretched to include a new precious life. That new life couldn’t live without me. My world did change instantaneously, and it altered my emotions, my thinking, my tasks, and my priorities. 

While I will not go as far to say that motherhood makes you like a crucified Jesus, parenting draws a parallel with Jesus giving of his life on the cross that we may truly live. It says that Jesus wept before enduring the cross. He grieved all He would have to sacrifice and give. And yet Paul says that it was because of the joy set before Him that he endured the cross. I am a new mom, and I do find myself grieving. I guess I thought of pregnancy like a boomerang. It happens to you for nine months, but eventually it will end, and life will whip back around to its normal place in space in time. The reality though is that pregnancy is more like a home run pitch. It’s the pitch that sends you suddenly smacked hard and traveling way out of the park, landing in a dimension of time and space that is unfamiliar. I suppose while this new dimension has been joyous beyond imagining, I grieve the place I left. I am learning to hold the tensions of both joy and grief, to remember that feelings are like waves that often crash strong and hard but fade with time, and to bear out this season with steady patience knowing that this new dimension won’t always feel so strange and unfamiliar.

Lest I leave you without any conclusion, I wanted to note this brief encouragement to any new moms that may be reading this. If you are a Mom that may be holding in tension feelings of joy and grief, if you are feeling unsettled, or uncomfortable in your own skin, or are looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself as I did, here’s my encouragement…it all settles. It all calms down. It all becomes clearer. Time works wonders for all the awkward feeling jobs and responsibilities; you will one day shoulder them without a thought. Your shoulders will continue to hold and bear more than you could imagine was possible. Take one day at a time, and each day try to take on a little more than you had the day before, or do something a little better than the day previously. Give yourself grace to experience, enjoy, and feel out all the newness you are encountering. But don’t let it become your excuse to become trapped in self-pity or a victim’s mentality. You are capable. God has equipped and readied you for this task and to do it WELL!

I would also remind you of these two things: 1.) God made you a mother. He gave you that baby, and he will equip you to handle it well as you seek Him. Seek Him FULLY. Ask Him for help. Take all your uncomfortable new found feelings and concerns to Him. He is our ready and compassionate Helper. He is the one who steadies, calms, and directs when emotions, fears, and concerns threaten to drown us and find ways to escape our circumstances. Hebrews 4: 14-16 says, 

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

 2.) Time and practice makes perfect. Don’t quit. Don’t succumb to feelings of self-pity, worry, self-doubt, and discontent. When you see moms who are seemingly miles ahead of you and you wonder how they manage it all, do it all, hold it all together, consider the fact that they didn’t arrive there because they are somehow inferiorly blessed with some magical talent you could never possess.  They likely arrived there through a faithful dedication, shouldering all they have been called to do; and they have found that day-in and day-out consistency of shouldering their responsibilities has made them stronger, more capable, more resilient, and more efficient at their tasks. This can be you too! So take to heart the words in 1 Corinthians 10:3-5 and Philippians,

 “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” And as you take every thought captive set your thoughts towards what is good,

 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:4-9

5 years ago as a new Mom learning to reorient to a new world.